A Sweet Treat

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After approximately 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times.

At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them.

“Why do you buy them then?” he asks puzzled, whereupon the old lady answers,

“We just love the chocolate around them.”

Practical

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?” The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.” The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, “Good choice, The clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you anyway.”

2 Old Baseball Players

Two ninety-one year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives  It seems that Sam is dying of cancer, and Moe comes to visit him every day.

“Sam,” says Moe, “You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many years.  Sam, you have to do me one favor.  When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to Heaven, somehow you’ve got to let me know if there’s baseball in Heaven.”

Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, “Moe, you’ve been my best friend many years. This favor, if it is at all possible, I’ll do for you.”

And shortly after that, Sam passes on.

It is midnight a couple of nights later. Moe is sound asleep when he is awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to him, “Moe…. Moe….”

“Who is it?” says Moe sitting up suddenly.  “Who is it?”

“Moe, it’s me, Sam.”

“Come on. You’re not Sam. Sam just died.”

“I’m telling you,” insists the voice. “It’s me, Sam!”

“Sam? Is that you? Where are you?”

“I’m in heaven,” says Sam, “and I’ve got to tell you, I’ve got really good news… and a little bad news.”

“So, tell me the good news first,” says Moe.

“The good news,” says Sam “is that there is baseball in heaven. Better yet, all our old buddies who’ve gone before us are there. Better yet, we’re all young men again. Better yet, it’s always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired!”

“Really?” says Moe, “That is fantastic, wonderful, beyond my wildest dreams! But, what’s the bad news?”

“You’re pitching next Tuesday!”

 

A Talking Dog

A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house:
Talking Dog For Sale.

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

“You talk?” he asks. “Yep,” the Lab replies.

“So, what’s your story?” the man asked.

The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

“Ten dollars,” the owner says.

“Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”

“Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that stuff.”

2 Doilies

There once was a man and a woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They talked about everything. They kept no secrets from each other… except that the old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she cautioned her husband never to open it or ask her about it.

For all these years he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would never recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife’s bedside. She agreed it was time that he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it he found 2 beautifully crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling over $25,000. He asked her about the unusual contents.

“When we were married,” she said, ” my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily.”

The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with joy and happiness.

“Sweetheart,” he said… “that explains the doilies, but what about all this money? Where did it all come from?”

Oh,” she said, ” that’s the money I made from selling the doilies.”

Decay

No sooner had Jack reached maturity than he began to decay. This was no long, slow slide into decrepitude—in a matter of weeks, Jack passed from the fullness of life to the gateway of death.

The first signs of his impending fate were wrinkles. Lines deepened into creases, forking and creeping across his face like roots in soil, draining his life away. Next spots started to pepper his weathered, yellowing skin. The impurities grew and spread into a blotchy, mottled mask of ruin.

Rot settled into Jack’s teeth. Those which didn’t fall out of their own accord grew soft, shriveling up inside a smile that was increasingly black and putrid.

His eyes drooped. Flesh withered away. Unlike many, his nose did not grow large and protuberant. Instead, it shrank, receding into face until his features were almost unrecognizable.

One night, while the world slept, a rodent padded up to Jack’s lumpy form, climbed the wreck of his face, and chewed away an entire eye socket.

But the final blow came the next morning when Jill saw him. Untouched by decay, she shrieked at the sight of his disfigurement. She quickly recovered however and hauled her Jack-o-lantern to the trash.

I wish I was a monk

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”

The monks reply, “You must travel the Earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”

The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have travelled the Earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232, blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on Earth.”

The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way of the sound.”

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?”

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.

The man demands the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made a ruby.

He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.

Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.

So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”

The man is relieved to no end.

He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.